Reflecting on Two Years of Sobriety

At this point, I’m so far into this thing that it almost feels like another lifetime ago.  While I have no problem admitting I’m an alcoholic, the reality is, I just don’t drink.  I often write things because I need to hear them, and then I put them out into the world in case anyone else needs to hear them.  However, I’m not writing this for me, I’m just writing this in case you need to hear it.

Alcohol was as much a part of my life as anything else was, including friends and family, for about twenty-five years.  I don’t remember when I had my first drink, fourteen, or fifteen, somewhere in there, but I do remember some of those early times getting hammered.  I loved it.  And, while I have experimented with pot and cocaine, I only smoked pot if I couldn’t get alcohol and I only did cocaine one night.  And, we all know cocaine and alcohol go together like peanut butter and jelly, so thank the Lord I was able to keep that a one-night ordeal.

I sold alcohol for a living for over a decade.  And I was good at it.  I attained a top-tier ability to blind taste wine and I knew as much about different spirits as anyone.  I routinely helped train bartenders and my fellow sales reps in the Los Angeles office when I was at Young’s Market.  I was friends with Jim Rutledge, the master distiller of Four Roses, Bernie Lubbers, the Heaven Hill Global Brand ambassador and the owners of incredible craft spirits brands like Emil Jattne of Brooklyn Gin.  I never paid full price for a drink or bottle of wine (if I paid for it at all) and routinely had free VIP tours in Napa, Sonoma, Paso, etc.  I never paid full price at a restaurant, from the local dive bar to Nobu Malibu. 

I always had a glass of bourbon before I went on stage.  At Jub Jub’s in Reno you got two free drinks, each one of them was a 10 oz glass of Wild Turkey 101, neat.  While I am sure I have played a sober show at some point in my life, I really can’t name one.  While I stayed with it in the studio, I always had booze in the studio too.

As I neared the end of my MBA at the University of Denver, I knew it was time.  I had tried to quit several times before and couldn’t do it, but I knew this time was for forever and not just to dry out… because I can’t dry out.  If I have one, I will have eight and I will have eight tomorrow and eight the day after that.  And when I say eight, it’s really sixteen or so because I never measured and I never drank anything under 100 proof (except sometimes Scotch). 

Not drinking has been easy.  I had the same experience Alice Cooper had.  But, I did learn a few things: 

·      Not drinking is easy, but living sober is hard.  Or, it was, for a good eighteen months.  It’s pretty easy now, but it was hard getting here.

·      I really didn’t get much support.  Not sure why.  I never asked anyone not to drink around me, so there was never an issue if my wife had a glass of wine at dinner or something, but I had people call me a “drama queen” for calling myself an alcoholic.  I had people say, “you’re going to drink again dude, no way.”  And, I heard at least one person in my church thought it was a mid-life crisis.  My average day, I could have started at any time, but whenever I started, I drank until I went to bed.  I might have an aperitif, or a Negroni (which I measured, but was likely a double), then I would start in on the whiskey or the gin (which I never measured), switch to two or three glasses of wine at dinner, go back to whiskey or gin until bed.  I averaged almost a 750 ml a day of spirits (24 ounces give or take) in addition to the 2-3 glasses of wine.  Even my wife didn’t know I was drinking this much until recently, because I was a pretty high functioning drunk.  I did a lot of horrible stuff that no one but my wife and God knows about and I failed everyone around me.  I don’t owe anyone any explanations or need to defend myself to anyone.  They weren’t there, they’re speaking out of ignorance.  I did those things, I have to live with them, not anyone else.

·      The depression and anxiety hit me a lot harder than I thought it would.  I expected it, but not to the degree that I went through.  If I wasn’t a Christian who believes my life doesn’t belong to me, because it was paid for by Christ’s sacrifice, I would have killed myself.  Not even a question because I went to bed a lot of nights crying and praying asking God to take me in my sleep and just remove me from the pain.  I mostly handled this through prayer and music but I did reach out when I needed to. I’ve had mild episodes of depression throughout my life, but nothing like this. Normally they last a few weeks at best, and on a scale of 1-10, are around a 4 or 5, but this was months on end of being at a 9. I wouldn’t be surprised to encounter more of the mild episodes, but I can’t see myself going through another long, deep episode like this. Character isn’t built in good times, easy times, it’s built through adversity. As Paul wrote to the Romans, “Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”

·      It’s awkward the first time you have to tell someone you don’t drink, because everyone expects you to.  It’s normal to drink.  But, after that, it’s not really a big deal.  For a long time, I drank NA beers and there’s some good ones out there.  Now that my doctor suggested I go gluten free, I make mocktails and drink those when I’m out.

·      I’m so much more productive.  Instead of drinking and doing nothing all night, I’m in my office with my guitar and keyboard making music or I’m writing or making art.  I’m running my record label.  I don’t ever stop doing stuff, even when that stuff is “not productive” – like watching a movie or playing a video game or something.  I don’t do much of either of those things because I can’t sit still, but I do occasionally.

·      You have to cut yourself some slack.  A majority of people sedate themselves with something, for me it was booze, maybe for you it’s television or social media.  We avoid life because, a lot of times, life is hard.  But hard doesn’t mean bad.  That’s what they want you to believe, that life should be easy, but that’s bullshit.  Life is hard most of the time, but, good or bad, it’s what you make of it.

·      Get weird.  Get vulnerable.  I spent all those years drinking and even trying to protect myself when I wrote music.  Sober, I couldn’t keep the walls up.  I had to write about how I felt and what I was going through.  It’s why what’s been coming out is so dark, I was processing things.  As Nick Cave says, “live outside other people’s expectations”.  Be you and don’t apologize.  I’m not saying be a degenerate or whatever, I’m just saying, worry about living right, don’t worry about what people think of you. 

·      For a guy who doesn’t have small emotions, part of the reason I drank to begin with, things can get heavy.  I cry a lot, but I’ve cried a lot over the last two years.  I had a falling out with one of my closest, longest friends and it was mostly because I have grown and he has not.  It hurt.  But I knew it was because of the strides I had made, not because I was any more of an asshole than I’d ever been.  But while the pain of life stings a bit more, the joys are that much sweeter.  I’m not just physically present while my daughter grows up, I’m in the moment with her and I’m soaking in as much as I can while she’s still here with us. 

I could probably go on and on for a lot longer, but suffice it to say, it’s been a process and I’m happy to be on the other end of this season of my life.  If you’re making excuses (one friend said the other day to me, “I don’t have to drink, but if I do, I can’t stop”), then maybe stop and think about whether you should be doing it at all.  And if you need to talk about it, drop me a line, I’ll talk to you – close friend or perfect stranger – if you reach out, I will write you back or call you back or whatever the case. 

Again, I’m not looking for pats on the back or “atta boys” here, but if you are here, at the bottom and this doesn’t apply to you, amazing, I’m happy for you.  But, if this applies to you, or someone you might know, please share it or take it to heart. 

Thank you, goodnight and God bless.

He steps off the soapbox.