I cried at the gym today, but I’ve never felt stronger.
That’s not only a strange thing to say, it’s a strange thing to experience. You see, most of my life, I have lived without feeling the presence of God. Much like Mother Teresa said that she acted in faith, but that she did not feel the presence of God, I have marched through life trying to do what is right without any spiritual confirmation that what I was doing was right. But the outdoors changed that for me.
Sometimes, in some places, all the walls come down. The walls that I put up to protect me from the garbage the world throws at me. The walls I put up to protect the world from me when I am enraged by the injustices of the world. Sometimes, usually for me, on the side of a mountain, looking off into the great distance, seeing this impossible world that God created, those walls come down and God runs into me like a linebacker and I am overwhelmed by His presence. I am often moved to tears in these instances, just overwhelmed by the beauty of it all and knowing that I am created by the same Creator as these mountains, but yet I am loved more than these mountains and I am more special than these mountains. That is hard to accept sometimes.
I have struggled to have that connection in other places, because when I’m in civilization, I don’t allow myself to be emotionally or spiritually vulnerable. There’s too many forces trying to attack me spiritually, I am at war constantly, I know God is with me, but I cannot allow myself to feel him. The one thing that has always broken through in this situation is music. Some secular music, but Johnny Cash’s gospel music has always done it, as well as bagpipe versions of “Amazing Grace” or “Scotland the Brave”.
Lately, I have been using music to try and have these experiences more often. Listening to the Louvin Brothers’ or Wade Bowen’s gospel music puts good thoughts into my head and facilitates more conversational prayer. I find myself just talking to Jesus about all the awful things going through my head. The anger I feel towards certain people or certain situations and, especially at the gym, asking God, “Out of all the places in the gym to do squats, why did she have to do them in front of me and tempt me to look at her and have thoughts I shouldn’t be having?” As our pastor says, don’t try to fix yourself before coming into the Kingdom, but bring yourself and your problems with you into the Kingdom. You can’t fix them by yourself, you can only fix them with the help of Jesus.
So, I’ve tried to turn everything I do into an act of worship. I’m often not successful at that. However, when I am successful, it changes everything. Today, while at the gym, I felt Jesus there with me. I bench pressed more than I had in years (not quite to my personal record, but getting close again – though I am probably stronger now than then, but I don’t have a spotter to push myself) and there was a strength in me that was beyond me. I just felt like I wasn’t the only one pushing and at a certain point His presence was so strong I found myself crying a little bit. I just couldn’t control the power of it.
I think until you feel this feeling, it’s hard to believe that it exists or is even possible. However, once you experience it, you want to work as hard as you can to live in a constant state of it. If I could live my life like that, there’s nothing I couldn’t accomplish.